Contrasts

He said, "As a father I have been guiding my son." Are you sure about that? Who was the one who cursed him of not being able to die a good death?

I carry the guilt of being the one he favours more.

I carry the responsibility of being the moderator of all arguments.

"Be a role model and inspiration for your older brother. He looks up to you now."

I try.

I am tired.

I am happy that for your son, you've decided to be stronger. "I know he is mentally tired and emotionally wrought from last year's pain and torture. He suffered a lot because of his skin condition. That is why I try to not quarrel now, because I know he might snap any time. This is the only mental support I can give him. "

Then I recall.

Me: "Why did you have to quarrel with his girlfriend last night? You could have let that slide."
You: "And swallow my pride in front of her? I am his mother, I have the right to discipline him in front of her."
Me: "But you knew I had an exam the next day."
You: "So? You could just ignore and go to sleep. What do you expect me to do? Pretend that nothing happened and let them do whatever they want? I need to show that I am in control...." (I can't recall the exact words)
Me: "I'm sorry. I understand now."
(goes back to room, tries not to tear, but ends up tearing anyway. that was SH1 promos, where I puked 2-3 times before the math exam and was so exhausted. I couldn't even drink water because I would puke it out. My lips were parched. And only vivianne knew about it. I couldn't get to sleep after the commotion, and it was my fault that I was affected. I can't recall exactly how I felt because my other self censors bad memories.)

I thought that you could not give up your pride for anyone.

But I realised you would not give up your pride only for me. Things are different for him.

Which is why when I broached the topic of dad being biased against bro

I felt a stab in the heart when he said

"the truth is your mum would never care about you as much as she does for your brother"

But that doesn't validate his bias in any way.

And I will continue to receive spam on whatsapp as she reports the injustice they face on a day to day basis.

And uncontrollable tears still roll from my eyes

This stasis

is overwhelming.

I shall seek help.

I need help.