Cos I'm an idiot.

This week's been eventful.
Because I realized how emotional blackmail is so powerful.
And how lucky am I to be able to check facts with other people.
Not only that, I realized that I'm just a stupid little kid bitching about stuff and I don't really have painful experiences.
That's what my bro told me.
He did experience the quarrels between the older generation. My dad's family and my mum's. He did sleep over at the hospital to take care of my mum at night.
I was not allowed to go to the hospital and sleepover...
Oh well. And apparently my dad threw a chair at him before. (never happened) He hallucinates.
Therefore, I've been a lousy sister because I don't treat him as a human.
"What wrong have I done to you as a brother?" he says.
"Nothing." I replied.
And I was convinced that he is a good brother.
I'm the one who has been in the wrong. Because whatever he does is always justified.
I haven't experienced much hardship, because I was mainly experiencing half the intensity of the inter-family quarrels. And I was experiencing the full brunt of my brother's release of anger. I was mainly being toyed around and told not to have emotions. Helping my mum when my bro was rebellious. Utterly powerless when my parents are being beaten by him.
I haven't experienced much. Anyway, because he has experienced so much hardship, he has a right to lose control and torture me. Order me around. Treat me as a pet. Play when he feels like. Throw away when he doesn't want it anymore. Help when he wants to feel heroic. Then "it's not that he wants to claim credit, but then...".
I'm an idiot for bitching about you to my friends. Cos you said that you never said a single bad thing about me to your friends. Even though I do alot of bad things to you.
Just like rushing home for your birthday and you changing your mind and not having lunch.
I've never done anything for you. As I always realize when you question me, and I can't remember on the spot.
I've never tried to block you from a beating from my dad before. Because you did something wrong. And I just didn't want to see any beatings anymore. That never happened when I was 4.
If you never did so much emotional appeal and self-justification, I may forget everything. But each time you do that, my suppressed hatred just breed uncontrollably.
I'm not entitled to comment any further.
Because humans always like to quantify things and compare. Even suffering and experience. We scorn at those who are "lesser" than us. They are not entitled to have a say. (A mistake that I've been trying to correct for ages. I hope that I'm successful in a way. And not quantify stuff like that.)
But suffering is still suffering. Experience is still experience.
Blame it on fate?
I'm sorry. I never saw this as a family. Cos families just do not emotionally blackmail each other. That's what they do in dramas.
Unfortunately, my first family was a sport. A sport I'm trying to get back to.
I'll try to treasure those blood ties. No matter how empty I feel.
Play with me. In this game of trickery.
Masks are essential in this game.
Don't ever let it break again...