Emotions

This week's highlight: Cakeface. 

She was just being an idiot during contact and leadership. But I still think that the two feedback could be phrased in a better manner. 

It would be better if the "feedbacker" had explained to her how exam teachers mark, and how they use key words and key points to allocate marks. The best is if the person explains in a tone used for explaining to a child. Or say "Do you know how teachers mark?" and underline cakeface's stupidity. 

Pink Dino's bday is coming soon. Hmm I don't know what to write to her. She's so delicate. And crazy. Opposites. Haha. 

The rest are racing now. 

I had soccer league. And the kids were crazy. Oh I was crazy too. I made the first kid who came run at least 9 times of shuttle-run. With random interjections of jumping jacks, situps and pushups. He's just 7-8 years old. But he did well. Then I was a solo team with 6 kids and an adult playing against me. -.- 

Oh anyway. I'm just tired of going to the cc and getting the keys. Every week, they wont be able to find it. And they have to call the old caretaker uncle to find it. And he goes in to the exact same place they were "finding" and fishes out the key. I got pissed today and demanded for them to let me go in and find the keys myself. And I did. The Powerpuff Girls keychain is unmistakable xD and yet those counter ppl on duty cant find them. I can forgive those who rotate shift and do not know, but not those who are usually on shift. And I've been going for soccer league for 8 weeks consecutively. maybe 9 or 10. who knows. and some of the same counter staff repeatedly trouble the poor uncle and call him whenever they feel like it, not putting their effort into finding. 

Oh well. I am concerned for that poor chap. Justice will be sought. 

Anyway yesterday I was abit hyper. Which made me abit crazy. But I ended up being depressed. Then today, I woke up with a super bad headache. 

Now I'm freaking out because I sent an sms I shouldn't have sent flying glasses (what was I thinking...) Oh well. She's pretty good at pretending that nothing has happened. Geez what's with me. Suppress your thoughts, my friend. 

The easiest way to read people is through their eyes. You don't stand a damn chance against people who wear sunglasses. 

Sometimes I feel that I can't bottle up anymore. That I realize that there's that bit more of control. Anyway I've survived quite well telling people the surface feelings only. 

Particularly because whenever I was young and I was beaten, I would tell my mum. Then she would outrightly scold my bro. So I would get beaten worse by my bro the next day. I learnt to not tell my mum. Or tell her and tell her not to tell. And she will act smart and try to act like she doesn't know, but she still is seen through, so I get beaten anyway. And she will tell me how smart she is trying to get me away from further harm. I smile and laugh it off. And of course, if I tell her about any problems in primary school, she would force me to follow her solutions. She would say,"If you aren't going to listen to my solutions, why bother telling me in the first place?" Of course, she would always be able to tell me her office problems. And she had a choice of choosing whether to listen to me. And she cld explain that she was just getting a listening ear so she would feel better. So I never told her anything since... I got beaten and told off enough times. 

Then again. Her recent quarrel with my dad. Once again, she repeated to me that I should not have emotions like her or I'll get hurt. Don't be stupid. Don't be silly. I remember all the times I was crying cos my bro was an ass. All she said was don't be stupid. Stop crying. 

So I've never been allowed to express myself fully. Or I would be called silly or foolish, and she would just treat my heartfelt feelings as blowing wind. Whistling through her ears, but she won't care. 

That's why I found it laughable that flying glasses told me that I can tell her my problems. 

I've not been allowed to. So all I do is tell drips and draps of random stuff to different people. Futile. 

And some people listen to me not to help. They listen for entertainment. 

I'm broken like many pieces of glass shards. And I'll wrap paper around them over and over to conceal. It will break through eventually, but I'm trying to lengthen the time between now and that eventual fate. 

Pathetic. Futile. 

Once you start suppressing or running away, you can never face it in the same way again. And why was I taught the wrong way. 

the end