希望

昨晚很难才入眠。
今天戴着黑眼圈。
对呀。
我心脏受不了。
呼吸困难。心跳加速。
想要入眠却只听到门外我爸正在骂他。
我现在受不了别人大声说话
会莫名的害怕。
So much things happening, I thought I was very ill-prepared for econs.
Hope that I do okay.... B or C grade would do. so long it's an improvement.
mm freaking out over ELL. all the linguistic terms swimming in my head now. what can you do when your tchr barely taught (only went thru CTs paper for the term....) scared of adaptive writing. my pitfall :/
now I'll go for organisation and evaluation.  try to not write too much. quality not quantity, mich.
always getting too carried away analysing without making a point (cos I always think the point was obvious). not good to ask the examiner to make that mental jump. I need to link more in my essay.
and be clear on which text I'm referring to. studied lit (all my sons) and revised literary terms. and prepared for ELL.
then stupid tung came along, and made me press an electric pen on pretext of asking me to write something for him....
-.- idiot.
haha but it was very funny to see him so childish.
I bet the juniors who were looking at us thot he was a public nuisance. (as well as me. I tried to stab him with the electric pen). oh and kok chung was pranked too hahaha
好吧。我现在说重点。
最重要的是, 今天我去找辅导师。
惠林叫我找的。我昨天呼吸困难的时候, 发现自己有些控制不住自己情绪和思维模式, 越来越忧郁, 甚至有时好像结束一切一切。
可我到了的时候
在房间外徘徊了许久
才走了进去
新来的辅导师
我是她的第一个"病人"吧。
我看着她的眼神。
我。不信任。
但还是有些信任。
所以, 我就是把事情叙述了, 而我的看法和感受我尽量不提。
挺好的。
其实。
因为我知道, 她没办法帮我。她很快不会认识我。她也没法看穿我真正的想法。她还不懂得人生。。。不, 只能说, 她太现实, 不懂得体谅。
所以, 我知道, 我只是跟一面偶尔会反应的墙说话。 
她说我有时有些激动
何止呢
是非常累
咳。
放弃了。还是去问问另外一个人。
以前的英文老师。
我是个不善于说出真正情绪的人
所以反而别人得猜出
我有试过坦白, 但越说越扯
。。。
我说, 我真不知道该为了什么而活
那辅导师说, 你不是有了打算么? 未来就有希望
我: 希望只是自欺欺人的现象。
她: 什么。。。你如果这样看的话。。。但生活必须有希望呀!
我: 有了又有什么用

她问我我要她怎么帮我。
我没直接说出口
说我要一个我该活着的理由。
不然她会误会我想自杀呢
咳

晚安。
我累了。
累到可以安心入眠吧?
明天又考试。
我想梦到的。。。是什么呢。

-恩